I was never great. I was never great before.
My whole life it felt like I was never great at anything. I would strive to put effort into whatever took into my time, but it seemed like I never quite excelled at it enough to be called “great.” To be considered great in anything, in my opinion, is to be one of the best in that field or skill. Vague? I would liken being great to be in the top 10%. So, for example, if there were 100 people in a gymnasium each shooting basketballs for a time limit of one minute and you were to count how many baskets each person made, the top 10% would be the 10 individuals with the top 10 most made baskets. If there were 50 people shooting, the top 10% would include 5 people with the most baskets.
One event that made me question my potential was back in elementary school. Our class was running around our school’s field. And I was running my classmate, was running beside me and said, “You’re not a natural-born leader, _____ is a natural-born leader, but you’re not.” My stride became significantly slower the more that sentence sunk in.
And since then, I’ve accomplished many feats and accumulated accolades. I became ASB president for my middle school. I became a Dance Captain for my High School team. I got admitted to UCSD. I got on the honor roll. I played the saxophone for 6 years + section leader for the honor band. Got accepted to UCSD TWICE. Those are just to name a few. These are all things that one would be proud of and would be filled with a sense of accomplishment.
But why do I still feel like I’m not “great” enough?
Inferiority Complex? I don’t know. Lazy enough not to make an effort to reach the next level? Maybe. All I know is the feeling that always follows me everywhere I go is that I’m averaging at the 75-85 percentile for the amount of effort and dedication that I naturally put in. The result is that I “get by”, but I’m left with the question of, “what would happen if I put in just MORE effort to get the next level?” “Is it worth the trouble?” “Will I succeed, or will my effort all be in vain?”
And then I wonder how much time I actually spend on becoming great. If you were shooting basketballs, how much practice do you put in a week? 30 minutes a week? That would be pretty poor by my standards. 1 hour? Better, but not significantly. 8 hours? Now we’re talking. But putting 8 hours into math will not translate into 8 hours into basketball. So, in my example, if we spend the majority of our time at school, homework, work, partying… then how do we expect to become great if we don’t put in the time? How do I expect to become great if I don’t put in the time?
I consider writing my thoughts as taking time and effort into bettering myself because it tracks my thoughts and allows me to review them as well as leave physical evidence in this world that the world in my mind exists. And I am a firm believer that our thoughts hold the majority of the responsibility of our own reality.
“Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”
–Frank Outlaw
So where do I go from here? Of course, I should put in effort into constantly creating my Future. So I’ll think ahead. My actions should be for the future, so my thoughts should as well. The subject of the matter was not that of a depressing kind. Its very nature is to guarantee my success in my actions by having me constantly ask and compare against my intentions and goals with the actual results to make sure that I am on the right track. How do you know you’re going left if you don’t know what right is? How do you know what good is, if you don’t know bad? My heading says I was never great in the past. It begs the question to see with more effort how great I will become in the future. I’ll find out if more effort is worth it. I want that 10%.
